Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

A shocking development

Today, in a shocking turn events, the American Automobile Institute (an leading think tank that specializes in future predictions for the auto industry) has announced that ugly, expensive, poorly made vehicles that get atrocious gas mileage are declining in popularity.
Officials at Ford, still reeling from a 7.5 billion dollar loss this year, are hard pressed to respond to the new challenge. Ford CEO Alan Mulally had this to say: “Ford has been the leader in unattractive, indifferently made cars for years, we’re not going down without a fight.” Part of Mulally’s plan is to make new Fords even more lumpishly unattractive than its competitors awkward, misshapen cars.
GM posted the lowest losses last quarter, a paltry 155 million, in comparison to 1.8 billion at Daimler -Chrysler and 1.5 billion at Ford. This is part of Chief Executive Rick Wagoner’s aggressive plan to continuing firing people until solvency is reached. “I think a really ideal situation is if cars are made by magic. With magic we will will can increase our profit 70% per unit, on average. As long as we continue to make no effort whatsoever to invest that money into long term plans, our bottom line will be fantastic,” he said at a press conference on Tuesday.
Hans Griebon, CEO of Daimler-Chrysler was busy committing suicide in a German brothel, and unavailable for comment, but Andreas Renschler, a member of the board of directors said the following: “You know, despite a handful of really exceptional products we’ve made a living over the years by just doing whatever seemed to work for Ford and Chevy. I guess we will continue on making really ugly, poorly crafted, ill designed vehicles and lay of the vast portion of our staff.”
Honda, Toyota, Suzuki, Fuji, Nissan, and Mitsubishi all posted nominal sales this years. Honda in particular has drawn the ire of American consumer advocates through its well thought out design, high build quality, and excellent employee relations. However, its strategy of pretty cars that run forever seems like childishly simple economics to the dead broke, but sophisticated American manufactures.

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December 17, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized

3 Comments »

  1. Did you write this? It’s hilarious! More! More!

    Comment by CC | December 17, 2006 | Reply

  2. You are a funny, funny man. Actually, I really think that you should be sending some of your stuff to magazines. I think that you could make money as a freelance writer or at least get your stuff published (payment would just be a nice bonus). This blog was hilariously accurate.

    Comment by Becky | December 17, 2006 | Reply

  3. This is why I spend my money on American designed vehicles. I don’t want something that will run well and save on gas. Rather, I want somethnig that will “commit suicide” with an improperly built piston that breaks loose and stabs itself through the engine block, spraying oil all over itself and then burning that oil all at once. All of this while I am driving on the freeway at 3:00 am and am still a good five miles from home. This meaning that I can’t get a tow truck for a few hours which makes me get some excersise by walking the last five miles on under-lit side roads and carrying everything of value that was in my car. (yes, this DID actually happen to me) This is what I want for my money! I love my old Ford knock-off!

    Comment by James T | December 18, 2006 | Reply


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