This is probably my last for a while. I leave for an undisclosed location (that is undisclosed on my blog) to start more training, and I probably won’t be able to access my blog or email for a while (security). I’m looking over the year. All in all, I’m pretty happy with whats happened. I tried my very best this year. I didn’t always win, but I always gave it all I had.
I love my family, that is the one I made when I got married. I love the family I was born into, and the family that I married into. Its hard for them, I think. My path isn’t their path. We don’t have as much in common as we used to. We all still love each other, but I think I am just being honest when I say that we don’t like each other as much. It hard for them that I don’t care as much about what they think as I used to. I don’t believe in the Church anymore. God yes, the Church, no. It seperates our values quite a bit.
I hear the things my loved ones say, about money, about God, about life. I think, often that they are crazy. I am sure they think the same. Its a tribute to them that they remain as civil and loving as they do. Thanks all.
And I have friends. Some old and some new. A lot of the older ones are slipping away these days. I am not a child anymore. I don’t have the blind faith in good intentioned advice that I used to. My old friends don’t like what I see or what they see. Its OK.
I’ve made a lot of peace with my past, and I continue to do so. A lot of making peace with it was realizing how little there was to make peace with. I felt so guilty for so long that now I am not so much getting over what I did, I am getting over the fact that I am not some great super evil person. I am man, when I was child I thought and spoke like a child. When I became a man I put childish things behind me. At least thats what a friend of mine said. Its weird to come face to face with the fact that I wasn’t evil, just confused. I still believe in sin mind you, I just don’t think that I rank somewhere between Hitler and Sadam anymore. We are all just folk. I’ve loved and lied. I’ve been faithful, sometimes to a person, sometimes to an idea other times to memory. I’ve been unfaithful to the same. Sometimes in my head, sometimes elsewhere. Its all part of my life, and all take it all.
I’m trying to care for people as they are not as I remember or as I want them to be. I try to do the same for myself, and I hope people do the same for me.
I look forward to the coming year. I want to see what it brings. What I learn, what I do. Who I see but don’t see act, who I see act but never see.
Finally, to those who are staying, who watched me change from confused person who was sure about religion to a sure person who was confused about religion and stuck it out, some have waited on me to figure this out for many years, some just met me…. anyway, Thanks all. I’ll blog again in March if not before.