Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

away the gathering darkness

Its funny, I’m a lot more balanced of a person than I used to be. Life goes up and down. My ups aren’t as frantic as they used to be. My lows aren’t nearly as low as they used to be. Its nice to not feel a press of emptiness and misery coil around your chest when you see others happy. Its nice to not feel as if every day of your life was penance for the sins you committed in some previous unremembered life.

I miss something very strange about those days of night. I miss the moments of bitter of clarity. When the darkness seemed seemed as lonely as me and we were for a moment were friends against a world that loved neither of us. Sometimes I would here the call in the whistle of freight, in the bay of coyote, crying of a child. Often I would feel it as I cleared the snow from my car to go to a job I hated to make a pathetic amount of money to support a ragged life. And as I was doing this task or hearing this song, I would suddenly feel peace with the meaninglessness and hopelessness of my life. I would see myself dieing an old man, having never succeeded at anything. And this surety and purity of nothingness was so much better than the constant disappointment of never quite measuring up.

I’m glad that the purity of emptiness isn’t the best feeling I have anymore. But maybe its like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer, it hurts like hell, oh but it feels so lovely when you stop. I’ve known several cutters over the years. They spoke of one kind of relief when the blade went in, and another when it stopped hurting.

I’m glad I’m not broken anymore, but I miss that clarity of purpose. I think thats why I miss working in the restaurants, and living a crappy apartments, and driving a rusty crap-box. I don’t really miss any of those things, but I miss the purity of total failure versus the constant struggle of partial success.

I guess normal people don’t feel these things. I don’t think normal people feel at all. They think pleasantly numb is happiness and unpleasantly numb is sorrow. I guess thats why they all seem so stupid. If you don’t feel anything, what motive do you have to think about anything? I don’t trust numb people. The Air Force screens out the really interesting people. The cutters, addicts, religious nuts, etc. All that remains is well rounded, good natured people. I am so sick of well rounded good natured people. I want to talk to someone so lost and broken that no emotion I am felt or memory I have will shock them. But I can’t. *sigh*

June 23, 2007 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. Apparently they do a fair amount of screening on spouses as well. I’ve met dozens of dozens of military wives and maybe 3 or 4 that I could have a meaningful or even interesting conversation with. *sigh*

    Comment by Becky | June 24, 2007 | Reply

  2. Awful lot of sighing going on in here. I think people are never as boring as they first appear. You just have to get past the layers of social bubble wrap they’ve rolled on themselves to cushion the pain of rejection when they’ve been vulnerable. It’s hard to get through them in one or two conversations. But it’s a risk no matter how you look at it.

    Comment by CC | June 24, 2007 | Reply

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