Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

Though/Speech Filter or “A long day at work”

I write this after a long and not terribly satisfying day.  Today, the most work I did was keeping from falling asleep.  Now, I am in customer service of a sort, so this happens sometimes.  When there are no customers, no service is going to happen, and I am very grateful to my employer for paying me salary so that when I have no work, I can still feed my family.  When I waited tables, that wasn’t the case.  I am grateful to myself for making the decisions that I did that allow to have this job, and to excel at it.  That’s all good.  But still I found today (and all days like it) to be kind of tense.

I live to work a challenge.  Once upon a time, waiting tables, or washing dishes, or running lab samples or any of the 27 jobs that I got bored with a quit, the only thing that thrilled me was a challenge.  You go to work and you are part of the engine. You are moved, pushed and pulled and made to make motions you don’t understand, but sometimes you are the spark plug.  The job seems to beat with your pulse and you are not so much moving as dancing. Your hurry moves the whole world and you get this rush that you can only get when you have done something difficult so well you made it look easy.

The thing that made me quit jobs?  The people.  Now, this will make is sound like I am selfish bastard who can’t get along with anyone.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I have been working since I was 15, almost 13 years now.  In that time I have lost my temper with someone I worked with once.  I cursed out someone who worked for me, once, becuase my boss said if I didn’t he would fire me, and I need that job badly.  I get along fantastically with others.  Shifts that I am on always produce a bit more than other shifts, until I manage them, and then they produce significantly more.

The most competent workers usually ask to be on any project I am given, because I am very, very good, at anything I decide to do, and they enjoy working for me.  I am not bragging; there is vast number of things I decide NOT to do because I enjoy being competent so much.

But chit-chat bothers me.  It bothers me in a way that menstrual cramps or compound fractures bother others.  When I am chit-chatting I am not having a dialog, but a tri-alog.

Co-worker: So when do you go to Germany?

My Brain: THE 20th, you ignorant fucking cow. Same as last the other 40 times you asked me over the last 9 months. Do you listen to anything I say?  If you aren’t going listen why the hell do you even ask?

My Mouth: The 20th, just 2 more weeks.

Co-worker: Is your family excited?

My Brain: You know they were at first, but the outpouring of fake concern over our welfare has turned us all into psychopathic killing machines. We’re just going to use this as a cover so the police think we are in Germany when the bodies start hitting the floor.  Seriously, were you not listening the other 40 times I told you this?

My mouth “Oh yes, we’re really looking forward to it.”

Co-worker:  “Aren’t you a little sorry to leave the Gulf Coast?”

My brain:  “Oh yeah, just yesterday I thinking, ‘Man, I would really love to surrounded by mindless drones like you for the rest of my life. That’s why I volunteered for an overseas assignment, because I love living in the festering anus of humanity with ignorant sacks of shit like you”

My Mouth:  “You know, we never really put down roots here.  We’ve really kept our eyes on the prize and we’re just so happy to have a chance to see the world after all our hard work.”

Co-worker:  “Are you taking your car?”

My Brain: MY GOD! DO YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS??? I’VE TOLD YOU 3 TIMES A WEEK FOR THE LAST 9 MONTHS I AM NOT TAKING MY KOREAN BUILT CHEVY TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN GET A REAL CAR!!!

My mouth:  “No, no.  It has much lower resale value over there.”

Co-worker:  “Oh, but your car gets such great mileage.”

My Brain:  “You know at first I thought you were just run-of-the-mill stupid, but now I am wondering if you have traumatic brain injury.  34 miles per gallon is good to you because you are illiterate as well as retarded.  Did you know that the United States isn’t the only country on earth? Did you?  Did you ever bother to think that maybe places were gas costs more might make cars that use less?

My mouth: “Well the mileage isn’t that great, actually, and as small as it is over here its pretty big over there.  I’d rather have something smaller.”

Co-worker: “DID YOU KNOW THEY HAVE A CAR OVER THERE THAT GETS 65 MILES PER GALLON, BUT THEY WON’T SELL IT IN THE UNITED STATES?”

My Brain:  Funny thing: yes I did.  Did you know that that Opel holds a world record for fuel economy? Or that MG made a compact that got over 65 MPG in the 80’s?  Or that the primary cause of fuel economy is specific fuel consumption times the horsepower? Or that aerodynamics doesn’t become a major factor in fuel economy until over 30 mph? Or that power steering is gas sucking pointless waste on a car that weighs less than 2000lbs? Or that 150 lbs is a reasonable weight for a space frame chassis if it’s designed well?  Or that most cars are more aerodynamic in reverse?  Or that parasitic losses in the power-train can be reduced by using synthetic oil?  No? Really?  Oh, right because you have never talked with me about anything that fucking matters you wouldn’t know that when I was 10 and I realized that I couldn’t be fighter pilot because my glasses were too thick I committed my life to study of automotive engineering in theory and practice.  Do you know anything about me at all?  Maybe you should ask instead of talking to me about the same bullshit everyday.

My mouth: “That doesn’t surprise me, the United States collision requirements are very strict.”

So you get the idea.  This is very stressful for me.  I am glad my though/speech filter works so well, but I have nothing against an amicable silence.  If I don’t have anything funny or interesting to say, I say nothing.  Why is this so hard for normal people?

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September 10, 2008 - Posted by | Self discovery, Uncategorized | , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. I feel your pain, man. It’s one of the reasons I love working from home. Alone.

    Idiots.

    Comment by Lottie | September 15, 2008 | Reply


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