Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

It’s all just pretend.

Thank you all.  It’s so great to have comments.  Sometimes I feel like I am shouting into a dark empty room.  I confess, I had a secret hope that when I started that my blog would be so good I could make a living at it.  I know, thats a pretty stupid, empty hope, but don’t laugh.

I’m still writing my decon story.  I had yet another realization today.  I was a Christian.  No, seriously, I was a Christian.  That means so much.  First it means I really was.  All those years waiting for the magic feeling I never got?  All that time carefully looking at others and trying to decide if I was what I was supposed to be?  All that time I was a Christian, because (Point 2) that’s what Christianity is, and (Point 3) I’m not any more. (Point 4) because it’s all just pretend.

That was the question that got me to really question Christianity in the first place.  It hit me one day.  I was waiting for the manifestation of the Holy Spirit to hit me, watching my friends roll around on the ground.  And I thought, “What if it’s all just pretend?

Though I’ve called myself an atheist off and on for about 6 months now, but I guess in my heart, I thought of myself more as man God called to be damned to atheism that truly accepting the fact that there is no personal God.  And now, I’ve truly accepted that there is no God.

This makes my mortality a bit stranger.  Though I’ve long known I wasn;t going to heaven, I didn’t want to go to hell.  Now, I don’t believe in Hell.  When I die, I’m just gone, like data in RAM when the power goes out.  Gone. Forever.

And there is no story.  If something happens to my wife or daughter, just gone.  There is no ultimate justice that says I get to see them again.  We are not part of some cosmic play, acting out our lines to a great hidden script.  I seems horribly wrong that my daughter, so full of life and sparkle, could be removed from earth by the random selection that says 1 out of x number of children will die before they see 10.  But she could. Or me.  Or my wife.

My best friend leaves for Iraq soon for one of the most dangerous jobs available.  We are both sons of the church, rejected, and happily apostate.  If he dies in a firefight, it’s not because our Heavenly Father decided it was time to take him home. It’s because 2 objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, and his brain, the seat of his beautiful mind, cannot occupy the same space as 7.62mm slug doing over mach 1.

I love him like a brother.  I don’t want him to die, I want him to live.  But wanting bad enough doesn’t change physics anymore.  It never did, but I used to believe that it did.  I can’t change that he leaves.  I can’t change whether he lives or dies.  The only thing I can change is how I am a friend right now.  That’s the morality of atheism. Accepting reality makes me a better friend right now, because it matters right now.

And when I really think about, every truly good thing I ever did for or with God, everything that every really helped someone, I accepted my powerless where I was powerless, and took what action I could. Even when I was a Christian the most moral acts I did where the ones that were the most godless.

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November 30, 2008 - Posted by | atheism, Religion, Self discovery, skepticism, Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Thank you for this post. I am an ex-Christian, who, after many years of trying other relgions, ended up as an agnostic/atheist. Yes, it has freed me in many ways, but also depresses me. Particularly because it now seems that when I die, that’s it, and I’ll never see loved ones again. And, that nobody’s watching over my family or me, so that they do not come to any harm.

    I’ve started a blog to come to terms with these issues, and I’ve been searching around for posts by others who are dealing with the same thing. And it looks like you have, or are.

    Sucks, doesn’t it?

    Anyway, if you want to visit my relatively young blog, here it is…

    http://mortalstruggle.wordpress.com/

    Comment by Anonymous | December 21, 2008 | Reply


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