Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

Atheism, Strip Clubs, and Beer

It’s almost 11, and I am awake. I not awake because I am not tired, I am very tired. I just don’t want to face the night alone. The guys went out tonight, and I was invited. Their plan was to chill at the enlisted club then go to a strip club. I don’t want to be alone tonight. I’ve been away from Becky for a week now, I am tired and lonely. I hate bars and strip clubs, but it seemed less lonely then sitting in my hotel room, watching Telemundo and imagining a funny story line in English. I called the wife, and told her where I was going and why. She understood, though was not excited by it. Frankly, I wasn’t excited by it. I just wanted to be distracted from my situation.

The drinking began at six at the enlisted club. I watched. I’m done getting drunk. I’ve done it twice in my life, once as a Christian, once as a atheist to see if it is different without Christian guilt. Not different enough. I basically like myself, and if I drink enough to change my personality I don’t like me anymore. Besides, I have no problem yelling, singing in public, crying pathetically for lost love, or telling obscene jokes to strangers without alcohol. I guess for people who are all pent up inside, it’s a big kick to be uninhibited. For me, I’m the exact same person, but I’m just not as good as good at it. So, I watched. I sipped water and watched everyone else drink. I did not watch everyone else have fun, because they weren’t having fun. They kept saying “one more pitcher”. And they drink slowly, I guess to get maximum buzz value. The juke box was too loud for us to talk, the dart board was broken. They just sat a drank, chatting between songs. Being that I wasn’t drunk, and they kept pressuring me to drink. They were being kind, by their understanding, but I wasn’t even tempted.

I watched them not talk. Stare into the distance, and play some computer trivia. At 10:30, I decided that my empty hotel room had officially become less lonely than room of drunken strangers I was sitting in. I don’t know if they went to the strip club or not, because I came home, chated with some friends on facebook and went to bed. This gives me two reflections. First, I find what happened amusing. I am atheist, the bastion of amorality according to many. Last night, I made the decision that going to strip club would be less lonely than my room. I’ve never gone to a strip club, and wanted to be sober and right minded so I could ponder the experience and my reaction to it. However, I knew I would not like it that much. Oh sure, I’d get an erection. But because I was sober, I would know that the woman on the stage were not dancing for me because they liked me, they were dancing for me because it is their job. But the largely Judeo-Christian ethicated class I was with had to be drunk to let loose, and drunk to go to the strip club. It was a source of much irritation to them when they found out I called my wife and talked to her about where I was going before I went. Somehow I made them look at something they didn’t like by being man enough to call my wife and tell her honestly where I was going, and to say that I was going because I was largely lonely and sad, and that I wasn’t especially horny, if I was I would stay in the hotel and masturbate. I watched the drinking for about 4 hours as they got good and wasted to go to the strip club. And I kept thinking, if it’s not fun until you are awareness impaired, why would you do it? (I always used to wonder that about guys who slept with drunk woman. To my feminist readers, I apologize. It never occurred to me until a feminist told me so that to do so would be rape. However, desperate as I was for sex, I never did it because if a woman couldn’t find me sexually attractive until she was shit-faced drunk, I would be too depressed to sleep with her.)

Sitting there reminded me of other bar I’ve been too, and the handful of parties. I recently spent about 27 hours traveling. In a car, waiting in air ports, in a cab, etc. And that feeling of being stuck, of waiting, of not being able to move, yet constantly moving was same in a Boeing 777 as it was in that bar. And I thought about when I worked in a nursing home. I though about nudity out of the context of someone who loves you or least sincerely wants you. It is so totally sexless. I have no problem going to a strip club, but I have a huge problem with doing things to be numb instead of joyful. So, I walked out of enlisted club dead sober and didn’t go to the strip club. I thought about what really makes me happy, and what it means to feel lonely, and I walked away. Moral-less atheist that I am. [More…]

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February 28, 2009 - Posted by | atheism, Christianity, Religion, Self discovery, skepticism | , , , , , ,

3 Comments »

  1. I love you an awful lot and am so proud to be married to a man with integrity and self-awareness. I miss you terribly and can’t wait to hold you in my arms again.

    Comment by ladyrebecca | March 1, 2009 | Reply

  2. I think you were probably being sarcastic, but just in case you weren’t…wanted to add that being an atheist does not make you amoral. We learn morals our entire lives, sometimes from religious texts, or people and sometimes from secular sources. Remember the old cartoon He-Man? There was a moral at the end of every episode and I’d wager that I learned more morals from that show than I did our church.

    Comment by Katy | March 4, 2009 | Reply

  3. Katy, I think I am really going to enjoy your comments.

    Comment by truthwalker | March 5, 2009 | Reply


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