Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

Rape 3

Why is this subject so important to me?  Why do I need to have an opinion on this?  First, to redeem my past.  As I said before, I have never raped anyone, not by even the least coercive definition.  I never felt the desire to do so, but I did share one common thought with rapists:  I hated women because of how much power they had in comparison to me.  I would submerge my identity to be with a woman.  I would change my vocabulary, my clothes, my hair.  Anything just to be seen with a woman, yet no woman would equally debase herself to be with me.  I hated myself for being so desperate and empty and I transferred this hate to women.

Christian life reinforced these outlooks in a lot of ways.  Women were the “weaker vessel,” fragile, emotional creatures, who could not be trusted to make important decisions, which is a backwards way of saying they could not be held as accountable as a man for their behavior.  This and the tyranny of love.  Young adulthood is a time to understand love and sex.  I remember so many ex-couples where the girl broke up with the guy and really wanted to be friends afterword.  Getting a mix tape of Micheal W Smith’s “Friends” was not unusual.

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can’t believe the hopes he’s granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the lord’s the lord of them
And a friend will not say never
cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the father’s hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love god’s given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you’ll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we’ll keep you close as always
It wont even seem you’ve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Do you see what I mean the tyranny of love?  My god, who could do that?  No pain of loss was great enough.  No hope of a different kind of love could hurt enough.  Nothing could hurt enough to end it.  You just had to just keep suffering, pretending that everything was OK.  This was the “love” that my female peers spoke off.   This too contributed to my hate.


Further, from home and a little bit from the Christian culture, I had picked up the idea that women were not as sexual as men.  “Women act like they want sex to get love, men act like they want love to get sex” was never said from the pulpit, but as a viewpoint, it pervaded the churches, camps, and college I went to.  To have this incredible need from someone and have them have no need of it themselves felt so unfair.  Imagine you are dying of thirst, and you crawl up to a person sitting on a 55 gallon drum of ice water.  “No, you can’t have any.  You’re all icky and thirsty.”  You’d be pretty mad.

Again, the Christian culture shares some blame here, because if I could have just had a girlfriend and gotten laid, I probably would have calmed down with the hate quite a bit.  But Christianity told me that the only acceptable way to desire sex was to want a wife.  So every female friend I had was the future Mrs. Ronin Truthwalker.  Every issue was huge.  I could never just enjoy a young women for who she was. No, I had be weighing her character for fitness as the mother of my children.  This is not conducive to good friendships, which made me feel hurt and betrayed a lot.  Which again, increased the hate.

This hate I used to feel is the first reason this subject is so personal and important to me.

The second reason is my daughter.  I don’t want her to grow up the way I did with these really stupid ideas about sex, love, and male and female roles in society, because ideas take people places, and those aren’t places I want her to have to go. A person’s ideas about rape are sort of a litmus test for what they think of women.  If a person thinks that rape is not as serious a crime when the women was dressed suggestively that person is saying “It’s OK to harm women if they don’t look like nice women.”  Which then says “Nice women either don’t like sex or don’t look like they do.”  Which then says “It’s OK for guys to like sex, but not for women too.”   Like I said, ideas take people places and I don’t want my daughter to go the places those ideas take people and I don’t ever want to go back myself.

I want my daughter to be free and strong.  I want her to believe that rape should never be a reasonable expectation.  At the same time, I don’t want her to believe an idea that puts her at risk. I’ll finish the rest of this later.   This is just why this is important to me. I’ll give my conclusion later.

March 20, 2009 - Posted by | atheism, Christianity, Politics, Religion, Self discovery, skepticism, Slice of life, Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,


  1. You’ve made some deeply profound observations here, Truthwalker. I appreciate your courage in writing about this.

    I think your last paragraph sums it up well. You are absolutely correct: rape should never be expected. And yet this idea can put women at risk. It’s along the lines of a Catch 22 or something. 😦

    Comment by Lottie | March 20, 2009 | Reply

  2. […] a few years ago), I found this statement emotionally disturbing, and I wasn’t sure why.  So, post three was an attempt to explore my feelings about it.  I found two reasons to be disturbed.  The first […]

    Pingback by Rape 4 (The last one) « Ronin of the Spirt | March 21, 2009 | Reply

  3. This is a loaded post, and I’d like to comment on several points. I also have a daughter, and can I just say that it’s really hard having a daughter, because of these issues? She reads fairy tales and sees Disney, and already has the idea that someday a handsome prince will swoop her away, save her from whatever and fulfill her every need. But as a Christian wife who too frequently puts my husband in God’s place (source of salvation and total fulfillment), I know this can be a dangerous message. I also want my daughter to be free and strong, not always looking for a man to complete her.

    Now, about female magnetism. What you said in your first paragraph has played out since Adam and Eve, when Eve convinced Adam to eat the fruit. It’s like he suddenly couldn’t think for himself. Samson and Delilah, Bill and Monica, etc. Men are weak where women are concerned (generally speaking, of course). But like you said in your post about patriarchy, as a woman I don’t want to exploit this power — I didn’t ask for it or earn it. Too many women think it’s their right to do the opposite, to use sexuality as a trump card.

    Comment by annaldavis | April 18, 2009 | Reply

    • I want to make a really well thought out reply to your comment, but I don’t have the time tonight. More later.

      Comment by truthwalker | April 18, 2009 | Reply

  4. I agree with your first paragraph whole heartedly. I keep my daughter away from the cursed Disney Princesses to the best of my ability.

    But the second paragraph concerns me a bit. You make two statements. The first is that men are weak at resisting female sexuality, and second that women should not use their sexuality as a force leveler.

    I politely disagree on both counts. We are all (men and women) as faithful as we chose to be. Second, all people should use whatever tools they have to level the playing field in any exploitative relationship.

    Comment by truthwalker | April 19, 2009 | Reply

  5. So if I’m understanding you correctly, then you’re saying that since men have an unfair advantage due to patriarchy in the world system, then women should be able to use the power of sexuality?

    If this is what you mean, then I guess I must disagree (politely, of course!). While this may be an unavoidable reality that will likely continue, as an idealogy it further fuels the problem. Women “objectify” themselves to gain the upper hand with men (however subtle or blatent), while men resent the sexual power play and continue to use their masculine roles as a control method (whether through a “boys club” in the corporate world or the more extreme example of rape). And the cycle continues.

    However, I completely agree with you that we are all as faithful as we chose to be, and on an individual level we can choose to reject these gender stereotypes.

    Comment by annaldavis | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  6. Christianity is destructive to a person’s perception of sex, and usually stunts their psycho-sexual development. I’m glad you are opening your eyes.

    Comment by linkdeath | October 28, 2009 | Reply

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