Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

Pissy mornin’ to ya

Sometimes I try to be a perfect little atheist.  I try and pretend that I don’t ever get down as an atheist like I did when I was a Christian.  In a way, I don’t.  I don’t have that constant heartbreak.  But I do get blue, and I am blue right now.

I just worked 13 hours at night.  I am only scheduled for 12, but I had to work an extra hour so I could clean out one the trucks.  This was punishment because I forgot my apple core in a truck last week.  Tommorrow, I have to wake up in the middle of my “night” for an appointment that I didn’t schedual.  My appointments are schedualed for me and sent to me by email.  If I miss the appointment email in the 30 – 40 completely pointless emails I get everyday, then a letter goes up chain saying I missed an appointment.  And I will get screamed at and be given more small pointless tasks, in addition to the small pointless tasks I already do.  I am going to get to spend about an hour with my wife and daughter today before I have to go back to work and do it again.

My old friend refuses to write to me.  I called her and told her that I am sick of pretending to have a relationship we don’t and lets get this all worked out.  She said this was too painful for her to deal with on the phone, and I had to email.  Now, she refuses to return my emails.   Ahhhhh, the love of Christians.

I want to be loved.  I want to be held and kissed and enjoyed.  I want friends.  I want to see my daughter.  Hard to see your kid when you leave for work at 5:15 PM and don’t get home till 7 AM.  I want to see my wife.  And if I cannot have these things, I would just as soon be downrange making double and not having to pretend like I am husband and father right now.  I’m not.  I’m just that guy that crashes here, uses the shower, and steals the left overs.   Not super happy with my life right now.

And no end is in sight.   I have another 4 years to go.  Then another 30 of working for the same damn people in different uniforms, doing some other job, working my ass off to get the money to pursue my dreams.  I am regret.  If I had known who I was when I was 18…. but I didn’t start to figure it out till 8 years and two dependents.  Now, two peoples lives ride on my ability to grit my teeth and follow pointless rules.

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March 30, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

4 Comments »

  1. Sorry you’re having a rough time. I’ve been down in the dumps lately too. I wish there were a few magic words to help lift your spirits. Unfortunately, I know first hand that there aren’t.

    Take care, and I hope things start looking up sooner than later.

    Comment by Lottie | April 2, 2009 | Reply

  2. There’s always “I’ll be praying for you!” 😛

    Comment by truthwalker | April 2, 2009 | Reply

  3. Ha! I had thought about making a wisecrack along those lines but didn’t know if you were in the mood! 😆

    Comment by Lottie | April 2, 2009 | Reply

  4. aw! Sorry walker! It sucks to find out later in life what you wanted to do all along. You find it right under your nose like ‘viola’. I wish I had known what I wanted to do, because in a sense I feel like you, trapped, but our roles are completey opposite. It’s funny that I wanted to be a nurse in highschool, joined the military, disatisfied, get out, unsatisfied again and trying to become a nurse like I wanted to be 5 years ago. What the F. So, I know you feel lonely right now, but there are always going to be the shitty times and there are always going to be the good times. Keep life in perspective and go with the flow, regardless of how crappy it seems. Find the simple things that keep you entertained during the bleak hours of night. Life is a rollercoaster, put your hands up and ride it! And that my friend, is coming from an Athiest. :p

    Comment by kyriakonie | April 4, 2009 | Reply


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