Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

Jesus Suicide (Trigger warning)

I stumbled onto a blog the other day called Textual Fury.  It’s the daily musing of a woman named Kateryna.  I wish I could say the blog is great, but I’m afraid that if I just said it’s great, you might get the wrong idea.  Kat is a truth speaker.  Sometimes truth is beautiful, sometimes it’s as ugly as death.  Because she just writes the truth, the subject matter is occasionally ghastly.

I’ve written about my parents before.  I spent about three blogs attacking them.  Upon reflection, I realized that wasn’t fair or right and publicly apologized.  I’ve said before my parents never abused me, not verbally, not emotionally, not physically, not sexually.  Kat’s parents did, frequently and regularly.  While my parents weren’t perfect (none are), anything my parents did wrong was well meaning harm, rooted in sincere love.  Kat’s father was a monster, and her mother both enabled the physical and sexual abuse as well as actively pursuing her own emotional abuse.  I was never anywhere near anything that compares.

Yet when Kat talks about how she felt about herself and what she did to herself, self loathing, self harm, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, she could be reading my journal entries from not so many years ago.  She is survivor and a victim of abuse of a kind I could not even imagine had I not read her blog.  I try to wrap my mind around this.  I carry almost none of the scars that she does, yet had the same level of self hatred and self destruction.  I, with my basically good family, her with her sick one, both came to believe that we were trash.  What possible environmental condition could we have shared?

We were raised in Christian homes.  Her father wanted her raised in a Christian home to make her easier to control and harm.  My parents wanted me raised in a Christian home because they love me and wanted to protect me.  I think most people who are Christians and want their kids to be Christians do so with true hearts of love.  It is this love, and not scripture, which is good for children.

The beauty that can be made of  Christianity in spite of scripture, does not, however, change what scripture says.  It says first that you are worthy of eternal torture.  Let’s look at the torture first.  Burns are one of the most painful things the body can experience.  The Bible, in too many places to mention, says hell is a place of eternal fire.  Imagine being doused in gas and lit on fire.  Now imagine that it never stops.  Imagine as your flesh burns away, it is healed so you can keep enduring it forever.  As you scream and cry and besoil yourself…remember, you deserve this.

The most foundational aspect of Christianity is that you deserve to be burned alive forever.  What do you suppose truly believing such a thing does to a person?  You can’t believe that you are valuable, special, or worthy of love and believe such a thing.

Ah, the Christian contends, surely not.  You accept that Jesus loved you before you were even born.  So, to accept that, you must accept the fact that love can include torturing someone almost to the edge of death, then stopping at death so you can torture them some more.  After all God said you had to go there and he loves you.

Having accepted that, you may now rejoice! If you believe that Jesus is God you are saved, accept you’re not.  Because the demons in hell believe that and tremble at the mention of His name.  Faith must be shown in works (James 2).  Do works save?  No.  They reveal what is inside.  Real salvation is accompanied by a real change.  But how much change is “real change”.  The Bible says that people have raised the dead in Jesus name and still had to go to Hell.   You’ll never know, so you will have to keep working and working, constantly asking yourself, “Is this enough?”

So, you are a horrible disgusting murderer (you killed Christ), the greatest love includes the threat “Or I’ll burn you alive for ever.”  And finally, you will live under the constant threat of hell.  You will never know if the actions you are taking are personally costly enough (actions taken in God’s name to advance yourself rather than God are punishable by death).  You will keep suffering and suffering, waiting for God to pour out his promised blessings upon you.

This is a recipe for madness.  Convincing people of a horrible guilt, twisting the meanings of common concepts like “love” or “justice” until they mean the opposite, and creating constant stress of never knowing what is going to happen next are text book methods of control.  It worked for Stalin.

Does this mean all Christians are evil?  Not at all.  Most Christians are wonderful people who really want to the make the world a better place.  They subconsciously focus on the best parts of scripture, the savability of man, universal love, and the siblinghood of all people.  But Christian doctrine in its raw state, rather than sanitized for mass consumption, is a road of worthlessness and self harm to the individual and manifesto of abuse to the predator.

Accidentally and in spite of the hard work and compassion of rank and file believers, the doctrine of the Bible when practiced literally, rather then re-written by modern psychological norms, is a doctrine of violence and abuse.

April 9, 2009 - Posted by | atheism, Christianity, Religion, Self discovery, skepticism, Slice of life, Uncategorized | , , , , , ,


  1. It sounds like what you are describing is a generalization in some ways and venting in others. I’m sorry to hear about the past experiences you’ve had and those shared by Kat.

    I believe that not everything I see in modern Christian religion (or with Christians) is right. I also believe God didn’t intend for the confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33) in the world and that the world is really NOT in God’s control at this very moment (2 Corinthians 4:4).

    I think the religion has gone down the wrong path for a long time. I also think we can change that. It is sad the state of the world we live in.

    Comment by 100fold | April 9, 2009 | Reply

    • Well, I sure agree with you that God is not in control.

      Comment by truthwalker | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  2. I find a certain joy in how much people have subconsciously subverted Christian teachings and turned them into something better. It says something about the basic decency and goodness of human. The bitter side, of course, is those self-same people have often been taught to hate and mistrust themselves as “sinners.” I’ve seen terrible tragedy result from that.

    Self-hatred is an evil thing to teach.

    Comment by Gregory | April 10, 2009 | Reply

  3. Agreed, Gregory

    Comment by truthwalker | April 10, 2009 | Reply

  4. Wow! This is one of your best posts yet (and I enjoy them all)! You just keep getting better and better!

    Keep up the good work. 😀

    Comment by Lottie | April 11, 2009 | Reply

  5. Thank you for this. I really appreciate this side of the reality. You broach a consideration I never really looked at before, I forgot about the confusion.

    Just remember, each person’s experience is a pain only they know. That means your pain is just as valid even if it is not like mine.


    Comment by Textual Fury | April 11, 2009 | Reply

    • Thank you. I was a bit afraid that I might be crossing some kind of of internet boundary by writing that without asking your thoughts first. I’m glad I could introduce a new perspective to you, and I thank you for stopping by. And thanks for not saying that all the stuff I put myself through wasn’t crap, even though you’ve went through so much worse.

      Comment by truthwalker | April 11, 2009 | Reply

  6. Ronin, the risk of putting anything online means others might read it. You didn’t do anything wrong. The thing about experience is that it is unique. You can’t endure everything I have, and even if my siblings endured similar things there is no such thing as mutual experience due to the singular perspective.

    Pain is pain. To devalue you or your pain is to be just as cruel as any monsters I have known. Please, don’t stop accepting that you hurt. Don’t give up on that just because someone else had a different pain.

    Comment by Textual Fury | April 11, 2009 | Reply

  7. Truthwalker,

    I completely agree with Kat. The same sort of thoughts went through my mind as I read your post, but I was having trouble articulating it and worried that if I tried, I’d end up with my foot in my mouth. I’m glad that Kat was able to express it so well.

    Yes, your pain is as valid as anyone else’s.


    Comment by Lottie | April 12, 2009 | Reply

  8. Of course it is. Just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean it’s not real pain.

    Comment by amarisgrey | September 21, 2009 | Reply

  9. Spoken by someone who’s had both. Miss you, Amaris.

    Comment by truthwalker | September 21, 2009 | Reply

  10. Miss you too, lovie. And the girls. Jael must be getting huge.

    Comment by amarisgrey | September 22, 2009 | Reply

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