Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

My id tells me that I need to move on, goodbye dearest.

I know when you say “I am atheist” people think, “Ah, you don’t believe in spirituality at all.”  Actually I do.  I believe, with the existentialist, that things, in general, have whatever meaning you give them.  From time to time, I have these incredible dreams.  One such dream is one of the first things I blogged back on my crappy Yahoo360 account and can be read here.

I was in little cabin, a shed almost.  The wood was weatherd a dull, lifeless gray .  Sunlight was pouring the open door, and I was looking out into these green, rolling hills.  My wife was out there somewhere, waiting for me, but I couldn’t make my self go.  Some darkness, some inner dread, kept me from walking out the door.  I turned back to the cold fireplace, the fire long gone and stared at the ashes.

There was a captain ladder behind me to the attick and I heard the squeek of someone coming down.  I turned, and behind me stood three women.  The first was my highschool sweetheart.  The second the woman I dated in college, and very nearly married.  The last, a stranger to me.  They were all beautiful, but etheral somehow.

They smiled, bitter sweet, slightly hurt smiles as they walked towards me. The two I knew gave me a speech, and it went something like this.

Dearest, we are your ghosts, ghosts of relationships long dead. You have kept your ghosts well and held our memories dear.  But it’s time to grow up.  Please let us go.  Stop keeping the memories alive.  We’re not real.  The women you remember are long gone, and we can’t ever be them again, not in body, not in spirit.  You can’t ever be the man we loved again.

Darling, you don’t need us anymore.  You’ve held our memories because you were sad and broken then.  To a broken you, our love, our compliments, our attention was the greatest thing you ever had.  It’s not anymore.  You are loved now, respected, treasured.  You don’t need us anymore.  Let us go.

The one I didn’t recognize stepped forward.  She touched my face, gently.  As I looked I recognized her.  When I got kicked out of Bible college she was the waitress who offered to take me home at the end of her shift, the girl who folded my laundry when I forgot it at the laundry mat, the CNA who rubbed my shoulders as I charted the worst shift ever, the girl who put my arm around her at a hayrack ride in youth group when I was too chicken to do it.  She was evey female that ever made me like I was someone special instead of trash.

They all held me.

“Goodbye, my dears,” I said.

“No hard feelings, beloved.  Goodbye.” They said

I stepped to the door, and woke up

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April 22, 2009 - Posted by | atheism, Christianity, Religion, Self discovery, skepticism, Slice of life, Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Wow! Profound! Thanks for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it.

    Comment by Lottie | April 25, 2009 | Reply


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