Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

Feminism, Sex, Values, me, and a beautiful woman.

So the last post was actually supposed to lightly touch on feminism and talk about an experience I had recently.  I realized that I would have to explain what I meant by values so much in the comment section I made it another post of it.  Anyway…

Feminism means different things to different people.  Ask one person what it means to be a good feminist and they will give you different answer than another person.  Despite the lack of clear guidelines, I think “feminism” is an implied value system.  Like all value systems, the resident values thereof are self evident to the practitioners and somewhat arbitrary to everyone else.

I have over the last 6 to 9 months become functionally aware of some basic feminist thought.  Aware enough that I know some feminist would say that parts of my thought life are wrong (ie, a sin against the feminist value system.)  So I want some feedback (preferably from feminists) on the following story.

A while ago, I had had some things to do which required me to sit through the standard “boiler plate” reading of some instructions.  The task took seconds, the instructions took about 20 minutes.  Even though we were all done, the person had to read all the instructions.  This had to be done twice.  So, I had about 40 minutes to do nothing but stare at the person talking.

The speaker was a woman.  The first thing I noticed were her eyes, they were the deep brown-black of espresso. She had glossy, black hair which bounced on its slight wave as she spoke.  Her skin was a creamy camel brown, with a dusting of chocolate freckles.  The makeup and clothes she wore were very tasteful and classy.  She was full figured, and I thought she was beautiful.

My form was filled out, and my mind wandered as she spoke.  I thought about how beautiful she was. I thought about how I would like to be seen with her or someone who looks like her. I thought about how lovely her skin must feel.  I wondered if she was married or single.  A glance at the enormous rock on her platinum wedding band told me she was married and to someone of some comfortable income.  I wondered if she was clever or funny, if she was a good story teller, if she knew good jokes.  If I could magically take her out to dinner without it being wrong for either of us, I wondered what we would talk about.  I wondered what she would look like naked, and wondered what kind of partner she would be in bed.  I wondered if her husband found her as desirable as I did.

At the end of it of the instructions, I had to turn in my papers to her desk at the front of the room, and wait as she looked them over.  I’d noticed earlier, she was wearing a low-cut blouse, and I took a fraction of a second’s view at her cleavage, which I found quite pleasant.

Now, I pose this to any feminist who wishes to help me understand.  Did I do anything wrong by your values?  Never once did I think I had a right to stare at her, nor did I stare inappropriately.  I was supposed to be looking at her, and I spent the vast portion of the time looking at her beautiful, brown eyes and freckled face. I didn’t oogle.  I didn’t think then, nor do I now, that she was an object.  I did think about sex with her, but I thought about it in passing, and in the context of a relationship.

Was I not supposed to notice that she was attractive?  Is there something wrong with desiring sex with an attractive woman? Is anything I did or thought, somehow unethical?

I welcome all comments on this one.

June 2, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,


  1. You’re a wonderful writer and equally wonderful spirit. Your sexual fascination with the woman was quite enjoyably read. You did her honor, me thinks.

    The question is why would you belive a feminist would not appreciate a man appreciating her so introspectively?
    I’m guessing you have either met or heard of women who have
    falsely named feminism as a way to not deal with their own sexual fears, desires etc. Often women have been abused physically or emotionally, but that’s not the only cause, of course. The fact is sex and being valued are not gender specific needs. You valued this woman. A true feminist appreciates that.

    Here’s an oppositional example for comparison–
    I met a man at a meeting a few years ago. There was definitely a sexually mutual attraction. After coffee between him and another female friend and me, we walked to our cars. He walked us both and then stopped with me, outwardly choosing not to walk the other woman safely to her car. When I suggested that he do so. He firmly said, “it’s a safe neighborhood.” and then without pause said that he hoped I wouldn’t take it the wrong way, but would love the chance to f*ck me. Needless to say, I promptly bid him good bye. He contacted me via email asking why I had been offended. I told him in detail. He then proceeded to tell me why I was wrong, and how women just don’t understand men’s ways. You see the difference, yes?

    Comment by crystal haidl | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  2. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! I LOOOOOOVE getting positive feedback from cool people. Everybody check out Crystal’s website Unconventional Thoughts she writes books about sex, politics, and the human experience. And unlike some people (like me) she gets paid to do it. Ok, plug aside…

    I think you are right. The teachings of Christ are profoundly ethical, and yet I have seen people twist the teachings into social norms that hurt people. Why should feminism be any different? The basic tenants are correct, but some people twist the teachings to hate or just to live less fully.

    I’ve said before that I will not apologize for finding beauty in women and I stand by that. I sort of figured what I said could not offend any reasonable person, but I wanted some feedback to make sure. I’ve found I’m capable of incredible hypocrisy and I use the blog have others call my BS. I’m glad you liked my writing, thanks so much for commenting.

    Comment by truthwalker | June 10, 2009 | Reply

  3. hey, who says I get paid??? Did you get my email btw?
    Hypocrisy? we all have a tad of it; it comes with the human experience. It’s acknowledgeing that it exists, and attempting to resolve it, that counts.

    Comment by crystal haidl | June 18, 2009 | Reply

    • You wrote a book for free? You do have a lot learn about infotainment! Yeah, I got your email, thank you. I will email you back shortly, I just got busy other stuff. Thanks for commenting again, your always welcome here.

      Comment by truthwalker | June 18, 2009 | Reply

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