Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

Life, Love, Sex, and Porn

Aching loneliness in my soul
Led me down paths strange
Shoveling cinder and coal
Burying me in burning shame

It seemed a simple thing at first,
Images of women’s kindness
Did amply slake my thirst
And restore in me fineness

But my thirst would not be stayed
By such innocent mintage
Twas like sipping lemonade
But wanting headier vintage

Searching out stranger strangers
Seeing things which ought not.
Watching clips of varied dangers
Finding not that which I sought.

Then, forgetting mad dreams
I flesh and blood pursued
In hope and without schemes
I let myself be used

Steamy pictures o’ erotic tangles
Had awfully prepared me
For a real relationships’ tangles,
Arguments, tears, and pleas

Porn and I then parted ways
Religion was my watchword
I fantasized not of other lays
And followed always cross-ward.

Religion didn’t heal me
From the aching at the start
In fact, it just buried the real me
And broke my aching heart

Investigation of church’s claims
Left me scratching my head
The church had nefarious aims
Obsessed with others’ beds.

So I left the sacred fold
Trading one lonely for another
Finding bits of soul I’d sold
And myself, and my lover

When porn was viewed
By more secular angle
Without religious skew
Or tempting fallen angel

I realized I was never seeking
some erotic chemical high
Twas on beauty I was tweaking
Eros when most shy

To strange pastures I went
Not for tolerance built
To creepy content I was sent
Driven by crushing guilt

Atheism, ironic blessing
Freed me from guilt’s’ bully
To be myself without missing
The parts that are not “holy”

Free from guilt and shame
I view what I find lovely
I’m not driven by pain
And skip what misogyny makes ugly

And I can see clearly
With all the women I view
Real women I loved dearly
And almost always you

My taste has improved
I’m not looking in dark places
With all the shots perused
Trying to find you in their faces

But such an awful thing to say
And even worse to do!
To shape images like clay
To dream of loving you

The dream I often visit
Is us physically together
But, somehow, not illicit
A love that time could weather

I would be scorned
I seek images in replacement
I want to love and be loved in return,
You’d gag at my abasement.

None of them are right
None of them are you
All of them are right
All of them are you

So, to what cannot be
Between us, (though we love you)
Onan and I will  see
What can I substitute

But it would misleading,
To blame only the ‘net
Your image is fleeting
For we’ve nott met yet

Morning dew gleams
Moon beams shine brighter
Life is better it seems
When love’s circle is wider.

I don’t want love to still
At some arbitrarily limit
I do seek a thrill
But only if love gives it.

I want love’s full expression
In context of friendship
Where physical affection
Is compassions apprentice.

So, I am seeking another
to have and to hold
Addition and keeping
Not substitution of old

I want to love with depth
A true equal and partner
But also with breadth
A circle out farther

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July 23, 2009 - Posted by | atheism, Christianity, poetry, Politics, Religion, Self discovery, skepticism, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , ,

6 Comments »

  1. Good piece.

    William Blake said, “The nakedness of woman is the work of God, portions of eternity too great for the eye of man.”
    And Philip Yancey wrote, “the church in its prudery has silenced a powerful rumor of transcendence that could point to the Creator.”

    Sexuality has always been born out of our need for both beauty and mysticism.

    Comment by annaldavis | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Well thank you! I tend to lose a lot of readership when I post poetry, and I’m glad to have you comment, thought if I had asked myself, “Who might give some basic approval of this?” My acquaintance the Christian author would not have been on the rather short list. I’ll assume that you are approving of the desire to be loved, and not the implications, but regardless, I thank you for the “good work”.

      Much of the protestant church fears mysticism. Christianity often seeks to answer the question of “What is an authentic Christian?” If authenticity is defined in feeling saved, it is too easy to loose the feeling. If it is defined in acting saved, if makes salvation seem as if it were earned. If it is defined in knowing the word, then it seems as if Heaven is smart-people-only club. So, different churches walk a different tension between those three points. Mysticism is a powerful way to motivate commitment, but in the “free market” of religious ideals in the US, it being the easiest to be reasoned out of, is the one that gets the least attention.

      Meaningful sex is about the only thing I find mystical. The word “union” has such special meaning in the context of loving relationship. Mere coitus is as lonely with someone as masturbation, but loving some one so much that you want to share your very physical self is just about the coolest thing on earth.

      Comment by truthwalker | July 24, 2009 | Reply

      • “loving some one so much that you want to share your very physical self is just about the coolest thing on earth.”

        Agreed.

        I think Christians fear mysticism because they want a God they can define. It’s safer that way, more concrete. The roles are clear.

        But I don’t think this defined-ness is consistent with His character. I’m digging Christian mysticism lately.

        Comment by annaldavis | July 24, 2009

  2. another interesting poem…

    hmmm… a porn-reformed atheist… ?? gotta love it… and glad to hear it. You are HEALED!( *as I BOP you in the head *. LOL)…

    I think the title should be, “Porn, Sex, Love – Life”… since it seems, to me, that is the order this poem sort of went in. But, that’s just me. Live and learn… and grow…

    keep writing those poems…

    Comment by Samantha | July 24, 2009 | Reply

  3. Another good one and you inspired me to post a “wishful love poem” tomorrow. And I hear you about readership for poetry. I post poems every Saturday and I don’t think anyone reads them..ha, ha. I linked to your other poem in my post tomorrow, so you should be able to get to it w/o me re-posting the address.

    Comment by lesleehorner | July 25, 2009 | Reply

  4. Thank you all. You’re a wonderful set of readers!

    Comment by truthwalker | July 25, 2009 | Reply


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