Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

Sister in Christ


Brother this and brother that
Hold me I’m scared
and have I gotten fat?
Love should be shared

So tell me your prayers!
I’m ever so blessed
To have brother who cares
when I feel distressed

When I feel depressed
eyes stained red
Kind words confessed
He kisses my head

His white armour does shine
This man I love, “brother” of mine

Truly, I loved you
There could be no denying
My heart surely was true
But, a bit I was lying

Strong passions raised by your pining
I first feared your kindness
But you told me of love
How holiness makes blindness
Purity, gift from above

Would descend like a dove
And I believed
I fell for your drug
My heart was relieved

You were my “sister” appointed by Jesus
Divine friendship crafted to free us

Never had I loved with abandon
Trusted so completely
I wasn’t my way. I planned
relationships discretely

Scared to let love defeat me.
But you, I loved madly
Without contract or treaty
It couldn’t end badly

With the Lord as our daddy
Holy union, perfect, platonic
Life couldn’t go sadly
Love was our tonic

High on Jesus, love, and each other
I was truly happy being your “brother”

But a line had be crossed
A road had be started
The switch had been tossed
The train had departed

To and fro my emotions darted
I couldn’t shut it down
I became broken hearted
Needing more of the sound

Of your voice, heard round
Me. And every part of you.
needed to be around
I wanted all of you

I need to have all, the whole.
Union of flesh as well as the soul

Every time you touched my face
You called me brother
And I felt like disgrace
Because my feelings were other

Skin hot like a lover
You affection was damning
My smile a cover
Of the pain you were fanning

I hated my standing
Torn on the fence
One foot on your landing
The other intent

On running away from your sighs
and the adoration plain in your eyes

I didn’t know how to feel
I loved you so much
Not knowing how to deal
With hunger for your touch

Was it love or lust?
That drew my eyes
To your petite bust
And voluptuous thighs?

Wrong or right to despise
Myself, to feel a louse
For wanting you to abide
In my own house?

Torn up, I told you my feelings
You went sick, your stomach reeling.

I, your “brother”, no less
Wanted you for more?
This was plain incest
And I was a whore

The bands of union tore
You offended, left with a fight
your friend  no more
Because I didn’t love right

Years since that night
I’ve thought and thought
Relationship’s a rope tight
Upon which we walk

You told me to love you free
And did and loved indeed.

I would have gone back
And kept lying
At first when it was black
and felt I was dieing.

But after much sighing
I now know my statement
It was true love shining
And not abasement

Finished with self effacement
I wanted your body for your soul
Not for lusts enchainment
Intimacy means loving the whole

person, flesh, spirit or other.
Fear of love, not love, made you call me brother.

July 26, 2009 - Posted by | atheism, Christianity, poetry, Politics, Religion, Self discovery, Slice of life, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,


  1. Wow… very powerful.
    What’s on your mind these days Ronin?

    Comment by Sui Generis | July 29, 2009 | Reply

  2. Oh, so manythings, Sui. I’m halfway done with my first term of military service, far away in Germany. Living overseas is not like visiting overseas. Once the novelty wears off, the constant friction of a different language and different ways begins to take its toll. I finally learned how to have friends, and now I have people I miss.

    I love my life, my wife, my daughter, but there is loneliness in me to hear my language spoken in stores and cafes, to have the people I meet do what I expect, and above all to be held by friends. I miss seeing friends I haven’t seen in months and being greeted with a hug.

    Poetry is beautiful but imprecise. “Broken without you” was written to my wife while I was away.

    “Dearest” is about the same woman in this poem. She was a very dear friend of my wife and mine who when I told her I needed more space from her because my love for her was straying into romantic attraction, changed nothing, saying that was OK, but when confessed to her I was an atheist, told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore because since I was attracted to her and didn’t have Jesus I would try and rape her. That was in part, what caused the whole string of rape posts I did earlier. To hear that from a dear friend was the one of the cruelest moments in my life.

    “Usual Crappy Poetry” was about who you think it was, my first serious girlfriend from college. (Scary to think it’s been ten years since all of us were there.)

    “Life, Love, Sex, and Porn” was what got me started writing “Sister in Christ” I just hurt inside right now, and I felt good writing it, even though it ended up saying things I don’t 100% believe should be acted on.

    “Breakup Poetry” isn’t about a romantic breakup at all, but rather my break with all the Christians I knew who have basically said they cannot love me now that I am atheist. It’s not to pick on them, but just to say I have value they don’t see.

    I am fragile, and broken right now. It will pass, it always does. I miss the speaker of every kind word I ever heard right now, and I long to be held. It’s not the coolest place for me. When I get like this, I just want every woman I see to hold me. I guess I have mom issues or something. Writing poetry sort of takes the edge off and makes it easier to survive. Male PMS maybe? I don’t know.

    Comment by truthwalker | July 29, 2009 | Reply

  3. Well! It sounds like a lot is going on!!! You say that you love your life (although other posts sound like your bored… Join my world!), and your wife and kid, so hopefully that love you have for your wife and child makes the greater part of your life happy. I know that a lot of thing from my past linger with me and it changes my level of happiness and contentment with my life sometimes. I really don’t have anything profound to say, especially compared to you! You’ve always been good at that… I contributed it to your excessive knowledge of everything. But, I do hope you have happiness in life. One thing I’ve learned over the years through bad, hard break ups, poor family relationships, two failed marriages and having kids is that you grow. You grow into a better person after each lesson is learned. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t heartache along the way and that you won’t revisit those memories or even think of how things might have been, but hopefully the sorrow and pain lessens. Hopefully as the lessons are learned, and your life gradually becomes more fulfilling.

    Ok… I’m typing this on my phone… And it’s not that easy… But, my point is, I hope you have found happiness. True happiness… Beyond the boredom and life struggles… I hope you have true pure happines…

    Ok, enough from me this time…

    Comment by Sui generis | July 30, 2009 | Reply

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