Ronin of the Spirit

Because reality is beautiful.

The storm in my own head.

Maybe its the stress of the huricane comming for the Gulf. Woke up today with a pounding headache.  Took the stuff the Doc gave me to make it go away, but it didn’t so I fell back on the remedy that I used to use when I was to broke to go to the doctor.  I go to the most relaxing place in the house (the shower).  Then I rub my neck, shoulders, and head while singing quietly to distract myself from the pain.

Standing in the pouring water, singing and being in intense pain always brings me to a pretty introspective state.  I figure a stress headache is natures was of saying “Calm. Down. Now.”  So I try to think about what is stressing me and sing about it.

Oddly, its not hurricane Gustuv that has my neck knotted up.  Its my disappointment with myself.  I’ve been think a lot about my childhood since I got back from visiting my parents.  I struggle to understand what my parents were thinking.  I can’t get a bead on why they thought the world of violence and paranoia they made for us was a good thing.

But mostly I sang about being loved, or not.  I thought about two good friends I had when I left home.  One female, whom the friendship lasted a mere 6 months, and one male with whom I think the friendship is in the process of ending, some 7 years later.

As I closed my eyes and let the man made rain run over my face I thought of the the oddities of both relationships.  I realized that they were both very similar.  Both were the first close friends I had after I moved out of my profoundly sick family. Both were very emotive people, both became friends with me partly to be my friend and partly to “help” me.

Lord knows I needed some help, but what the young woman did to my body, the young man attempted to do to my soul.  Codependency is founded on the idea that your love can make someone better.  Both had different ways of showing love, but in the end, both needed me to need them.

L (the woman) needed me to need her physically.  She had been raped.  In retrospect, I think it was really good for her to have a man she could take right to the point of orgasm then stop.  It let her relive her abuse as the one in control.  But damn! Did it start to hurt me inside after awhile.  (Caused me some localized physical pain as well, but that is subject for another blog.)

T (the guy) needed to need him spiritually.  He needed me to lean on him for any kind of spiritual council.  I couldn’t deal with my hurt on my own, I had to go to him about it.  When I started to have my own spiritual journey, (on that didn’t involve following his ministry) the friendship began to fall apart.

So, both of them. Thanks. Their hearts were in the right place.  They wanted to love me, but their own issues got in the way.  Me too.  I wanted to love them.  But my problems got in the way.  It’s not OK what they did to me, but I understand why, and I don’t hold a grudge. Some of the things I said and did to them weren’t OK either.  Sorry.

Now if I can just get to that point with my parents….


August 30, 2008 Posted by | Self discovery, Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment